Hospice
by duhduhkid
Summary: AU: Maura and Jane met in college, but haven't seen each other in 20 years. Maura is the Medical Director of her own hospice facility, what happens when Jane checks in? Based off The Antlers's album of the same name.
1. Prologue pt 1

**A/N: This story is based off The Antlers's brilliant album "Hospice". The chapters will follow the track list, and lyrics from the song (chapter title) will be in italics. This is going to be a sad one, I hope you enjoy it.**

* * *

20 years ago

It was never supposed to be anything more, but then again things like that never are. It began with a lingering look that spoke louder than any words that had ever left her mouth, and suddenly the two were tumbling together into a bliss known only to the lucky few.

When Maura first stepped onto Boston Cambridge University's campus her freshman year, she told herself that things would be different here. She was going to make friends, go to parties, and have fun. Unfortunately, her insecurities and social anxiety ended her dreams before they even began. T_hese things kept her nervous_, and she resigned herself to her studies.

Jane, on the other hand, came in with the advantage of being on a softball scholarship, so she had a large group of girls eager to befriend her. She made quick friends with several teammates and her roommates, which lead to countless late nights, sleepovers, and parties. Maura would usually hear the loud music every friday on the floor above her and wish that just once someone would invite her or even just see her.

It wasn't until finals weeks of the spring semester that year that everything changed. Maura spotted a girl, sitting in the middle of the library, hunched over a textbook, a pained expression on her face. She took a seat a few seats away from this girl, and though she tried to look away, she couldn't help but stare at this girl's incredible beauty. She was unlike anyone Maura had ever encountered. She didn't rely on makeup or designer clothes to enhance her looks; she was effortlessly gorgeous and seemingly unaware of it. The girl felt Maura's stare and glanced up with a scowl.

Maura struggled to cover her embarrassment, "Sor...Sorry, I was just...I mean...Are you okay?"

Jane leaned back in her chair and looked her admirer over. She had been struggling to understand some of the concepts that she knew were going to be on her Chemistry final, but something about the honey blonde girl across from her intrigued her interest. This girl was incredibly well-dressed, very put together, but painfully awkward.

The softball star smirked, "I could ask you the same question."

A red flush quickly spread across Maura and she fumbled over her books in an attempt to flee.

"Hey! Wait, I'm sorry! I'm just not used to being stared at like that."

Maura sat back down, "Like what?"

"Like you want to eat me alive"

Maura paused, her face deep in thought. "Although cannibalism, or anthropophagy, is still practiced in some tribal cultures, it is generally frowned upon and can lead to the spread of several diseases. I would never want to eat you, I was just admiring your impressive bone structure and well-developed musculature."

"Umm, what?"

Once again, Maura had let her mouth run away from her. She grabbed her books and turned to go before she said anything else, but the girl stood and grabbed her shoulder.

"Where are you going? That was just...a lot. I'm Jane, by the way. And what I said earlier just means that you were looking at me like I was food or your prey or something. It's just a figure of speech, you know?"

"Oh, sorry, I tend to take things literally. I'm not really used to this, it's hard for me, and you can call me Maura."

"Nice to meet you, Maura. That is a beautiful name, fitting really."

Tilting her head to the side slightly, she questioned, "How do you mean?"

"Really? You are beautiful, strange, yes, but beautiful"

And just like that, it had begun.

Maura spent that first summer in France with her parents, while Jane landed a summer internship with the Boston Police Department. They wrote and mailed each other letters every week, enjoying their summers but longing for the companionship and sense of belonging that the other instilled in them.

Jane and Maura spent their sophomore year at BCU wrapped in each others arms, stealing kisses in the hallways, and sitting hand in hand in the library. They spent every moment of free time with each other and never tired of the others company. In fact, the more time that passed the more their affection grew. This was not lust or infatuation or blind attraction; this was love, in its purest and most innocent form.

As their second year came to a close, Maura found out she was accepted to a summer pre-med intensive course at Johns Hopkins University, so of course she jumped at the opportunity. Jane had been looking forward to spending lazy days with her girlfriend having picnics in the park or going swimming, but she wasn't about to complain. This was a gigantic step for Maura in achieving her dream of becoming a doctor. It would be selfish to ask her to stay.

The summer came and went and two weeks before the start of the fall semester, Maura returned to school and found Jane sitting against her dorm room door.

"Jane? What are you doing here? It's almost midnight, is everything okay?" She took in the slumped appearance of her girlfriend's lanky body and the far-away stare that went on for miles.

Jane stood slowly and looked deep into Maura's hazel eyes, "Why haven't you returned any of my calls? I sent you so many letters but haven't heard from you once in more than a month!"

Her voice was shaking as if the words were threatening to break her vocal cords, as if they held a power she was afraid to unleash.

Maura was taken aback. Had she really ignored Jane for that long? She tried to think of the last letter she sent, but the image just wasn't accessible. It hadn't even crossed her mind to call or write. "Oh god", she thought, "I forgot about her. I completely forgot about Jane." She felt the tears start to form in her eyes. She felt too terrified to speak.

"Jane, I had so much work and I was learning so much and I just didn't have time to…"

"You couldn't even pick up the phone once to check in! I thought I meant something to you! I felt… I thought I was in...God! I can't do this with you. I thought we were real. We felt real" Wet tear drops raced down Jane's cheeks as she struggled to get out these words that had been festering in her mind for weeks now.

"Maybe this isn't the best time to tell you, but...I'm not staying. Johns Hopkins offered me a spot in their undergraduate pre-med program. I accepted it. This is huge for me, Jane. I really do care about you. You are the best thing that happened to me here, but I need to think about my future. I'll only be in Maryland, we can visit each other on weekends and breaks and things will be okay, right?"

Her eyes searched the brunette's for any sign of affirmation or of the love she was so accustomed to seeing, but emptiness glared into her soul. Jane couldn't process this. She had held out hope that once Maura returned, they would fall back into the swing of things and work out any problems that arose. She had not anticipated this. Jane played back all their memories together and imagined trying to keep the relationship alive miles apart.

Maura looked at the broken expression on Jane's face, and in that moment, they both realized it was over.

Maura walked into her dorm room and began packing her things. Jane stood in the doorway, looking shell-shocked. She watched the honey blonde student pacing back and forth in the small room, tossing things in boxes, and folding clothes. Like a tornado, Jane flew into the room and slammed Maura against the nearest wall. Their bodies pressed up against each other as they had countless times before. The smaller woman fitting perfectly against Jane's taller form. Jane held the blonde's wrists above her head and pinned her in place. Their faces were inches apart, but neither dared to move. Without warning, Jane crushed her lips into the smaller woman's. She hoped to convey all the hurt, pain, and regret that were pulling her apart inside. Maura unconsciously moaned at the feeling and opened her mouth to deepen the kiss, but as fast as she had descended into the room, Jane was gone just as quickly.

Maura was left alone. _Something made her sting_. She slid down the wall and sobbed into her knees, the door still ajar.

That was the last time they saw each other, until now.


	2. Prologue pt 2

**A/N: Thanks for reading, this is more backstory to help set the scene before we get into the hospice, which begins in the next chapter. **

* * *

Present Day

Two years undergrad at Johns Hopkins, four years medical school in their graduate program, four years residency training for forensic pathology at Yale University, and then a year long fellowship at the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner of Connecticut. The road had been long and tough for Dr. Maura Isles, but she worked hard to get everything she ever wanted, or at least everything she thought she wanted.

She was hired as an Associate Medical Examiner in CT, following her fellowship, where she stayed for five years. She was excellent at her work and finally felt like she had found her niche. She lacked close friendships, an intimate family connection, and except for the occasional fling, any romantic relationships. However, this was nothing new and a part of her enjoyed the solitude because of its familiarity. Instead of people, she filled her life with knowledge and facts which was enough, for now anyway.

Maura became estranged from her parents after her decision to specialize in forensic pathology. They saw it as a waste of time and urged her to consider a more respected speciality like surgery, but Maura decided to take control of her own life and defied her parents' wishes for the very first time. Over the years though, they gradually began speaking again, and she became closer to her adopted mother and even met her birth mother who she got along with quite well.

She loved working as an M.E., but after five years of autopsies and being called to late night crime scenes she needed a change of pace. She joined Doctors Without Borders and worked in Somalia for two years. The experience completely altered her world view and direction in life. She saw suffering and pain yet was unable to prevent it. Although she was able to use her medical knowledge to help many patients, the vast majority were too far gone. Maura was not used to working on the living, but during her time in Africa, she discovered something new about herself.

She wasn't just adept at speaking for the dead, she was just as proficient, if not more capable, of caring for the dying.

When her service overseas came to a close, she returned to the states with a new mission. She moved back to her hometown of Boston, a place she felt the deepest connection to, and opened her own hospice facility. She named it Constant Hope Hospice after her adopted and birth mothers respectively and for the message itself, no matter how cheesy it seemed.

She brought on a highly qualified team of the best physicians, nurse practitioners, nurses, counselors, physical and occupational therapists, and aides from around the world. As always, she strived for perfection and was determined to make this the most well-respected and sought after hospice around. She used her personal funds along with many generous donations from her former colleagues and associates to secure a large, spacious facility in the Back Bay neighborhood. She spared no expense in decorating and design, so the final result looked more like a luxurious spa or hotel than a hospice and that was just the way she like it.

Before it even opened, there was a wait list to get in. The center could hold probably hold up to 300 patients, but Maura felt that quality outweighed quantity. She opted to limit the patient number to 250 and provide larger rooms for each patient and allow for more one on one time with the staff. She didn't like to turn anyone away, but she wanted to provide the highest quality level of care and make each individual that came through her facility feel recognized and important.

* * *

Jane graduated from BCU with a degree in criminal justice, landed a position at the Boston Police Department after sailing through the police academy, and rose faster in the ranks than any rookie before her. After a few years in vice and several years in homicide, she was given the chance to apply for the sergeant position. Her former partner, Vince Korsak, was retiring from the force in order to start his own pet boarding company with his ex-wife.

Jane was upset to see her mentor leave, but she knew his love for animals was far stronger than his love for police work. Lieutenant Cavanaugh was pushing her to go for the promotion, and Jane felt she could handle the increased responsibility, the pay raise didn't hurt either. She had to go in front of an interview board, which went smoothly, then retake the psychological exam which she passed as well. Finally, she had to pass a medical screening to ensure she was still physically fit for the job.

It had been over three years since Jane had gone to the doctor's office. She hated hospitals and everything about them from the overwhelming smell to the feeling of death that seems to permeate throughout every room. Most of all, though she would never admit it, she hated the wave of memories that hit her whenever she thought about doctors.

She would remember pulling all nighters with Maura, who would quietly whisper the muscles of the human anatomy under her breath in her efforts to memorize each one. Jane would watch her brilliant girlfriend speed read medical journals as if they were the Sunday comics, and she would often let her sleep on top of her biology textbook because the tired med student looked too peaceful to disturb. After each one of Maura's big exams, Jane would always take her up to the rooftop of the science building where they would spend the night under the stars, discussing their hopes, fears, and futures until falling asleep in each other's embrace.

After 20 years, the memories still felt as fresh as they did when they first took up space in her brain and the accompanying emotions hit like a swift punch to the gut. Hospitals were definitely not her favorite place, but if a medical screening was necessary then so be it.

She navigated through the plain white hallways until finding the adult medicine wing of the building. The woman at the front desk checked her in, and she placed her slip into box number four.

Within ten minutes, a small nurse called out, "Jane Rizzoli!"

She was measured, weighed, had her blood pressure taken, and oxygen levels read, then she was left alone in the exam room.

Dr. Williams joined her soon after, an older woman a few inches shorter than Jane with stark white hair and laugh lines around her eyes. The kind of woman that you would love to sit down with for a cup of coffee.

"Hello, Detective Rizzoli. I see you are here for a medical screening in order to be cleared for a promotion. Does that check out?"

Jane was surprised that the doctor knew that much. "Cavanaugh must have filled her in", she thought.

"Yup, sounds good" She responded politely.

The doctor performed the vision test first and took some blood to screen for any problems. During the physical examination, Jane winced as the doctor felt along her abdomen.

"Is everything okay? Do you feel pain in that area?" Dr. Williams questioned.

"A little, its been like that for so long now. I had a gunshot wound around there about five years ago, and the pain just never seemed to fully go away."

The doctor moved her hands gently around Jane's mid section noting when her patient flinched or showed any signs of pain.

"Are you experiencing any other symptoms like heartburn, nausea, weight loss, or loss of appetite?

Jane thought for a moment. She usually pushed through her pain and didn't really take into account how her body felt most of the time. But the more she thought about it, the more those symptoms did seem to describe her.

"You know what, yeah, I do get occasional heartburn and feel nauseous at almost random times in the day. I haven't been losing weight, but sometimes I find that I'm just not hungry because I work so much that I forget to eat."

Dr. Williams typed Jane's words into her computer before speaking. "I'm going to send you to a gastroenterologist, located just one floor above us, for further testing. I don't think it is anything serious, but I would rather be certain."

Just her luck, Jane had been dreading seeing one doctor and now she had to see two. She thanked Dr. Williams and took the stairs to the next level to go see a Dr. Terrell.

After going through the same process as before, she was once again alone in a new exam room. The doctor, a man about her age with a nice smile and kind eyes, shook her hand upon entering the room.

"Hello Jane, so I'm just going to run a few tests to figure out if there is any cause for concern. Given your fitness level, lifestyle, age, and overall health, I would say you have nothing to worry about."

She sighed in relief, but wasn't looking forward to whatever tests he was talking about.

The doctor brought in a few nurses and went over the procedure with Jane. He was going to perform an endoscopy which sends a small tube with a camera on the end down her throat, allowing him to see the inside of her esophagus, stomach, and intestine. He would then take a biopsy, or remove a bit of abnormal material if there is any present, which would be tested in the lab. She would be sedated for this short test and the results would hopefully be ready in one week.

When she came to, the doctor explained that he had seen something abnormal in the lining of her stomach, which he took a sample of for testing. His smile no longer looked nice; it looked forced and that concerned Jane more than the words he had just spoken.

A week later, she got a call from Dr. Terrell telling her that the results were back and to come by as soon as possible.

Seated across from him in his office, she noticed again how nice his eyes looked. They were very light brown with flecks of green surrounding the iris, almost exactly like… She shut out the thought before it could blossom into anything more. She needed to focus on whatever he was about to tell her.

Dr. Terrell cleared his throat as if that could make time slow down, as if he wanted to keep Jane in this current moment for just a little bit longer.

Finally he let out a breath, "This is the worst part about my job. No matter how many times I have to say this, it never gets easier. I'm very sorry Jane, but you have cancer."

She stared at him blankly unsure of what he had said, "What the fuck? What do you mean?" The swear word slipped out, but she was too shocked to care at this point.

"The biopsy we took from your stomach contained adenocarcinoma cells. We have determined that it has probably progressed to Stage 3b, meaning it has grown through all layers of the stomach wall, but it has not spread to any other organs. It has likely spread to at least 2 nearby lymph nodes. We will need to do some imaging tests to confirm our diagnosis, but we know it is passed the early stages."

Jane felt numb inside and out but she questioned him, "What are my treatment options? What's the outlook?"

The doctor grimaced a bit, enough for Jane to notice, before stating, "We need to do further tests but based on our predictions and the evidence, I'm sorry to say, but things do not look good. The survival rate for Stage 3b is 14% and if in fact you have progressed to a higher stage that percentage only decreases. Stomach cancer is one of the hardest to catch early since it generally shows almost no symptoms in the early stages, so once it is found, it has usually already progressed too far to treat effectively. Based on your biopsy sample, it has likely spread throughout the entire stomach meaning we cannot operate to remove it, and although chemotherapy is an option, we have to see whether it would help or hurt."

"So, you're saying there is no hope for me? How can this happen? I feel fine! I'm only 40, people my age don't get cancer and die! Check the tests again, maybe its a mistake, maybe my sample got mixed up with someone else's, maybe you messed up! You can't be fucking serious, this is a joke, right?" Jane was frantic for an explanation, her brain just couldn't process this. She had gone in for a simple check up and instead found out that she was dying.

Dr. Terrell hated the panic that always overcame his patients at this moment, and he was never able to make it any better because it usually wasn't going to get better.

"_Now, I won't pretend to understand because I can't_. I haven't been through what you are going to go through, but if you want to see a psychologist or therapist, I can recommend some who specialize in dealing with your situation."

"No" Jane snapped, "I don't want to talk to anybody, I want you to fix me."

He was at a loss for words, he knew nothing he said would change her diagnosis. This was something she had to come to terms with on her own and that would take time.

"God dammit! Fix me!" She was screaming without even remembering when she raised her voice.

Her face felt hot and her eyes were blurred by the tears she was struggling to hold in. There were so many questions on the tip of her tongue, so many things she wanted to know, but she was unable to voice any of them. She thought about her family. How the hell was she going to tell her ma? What were her brothers going to do? What about Frost and Korsak? How long did she have? What was she going to do?

Finally, after what seemed like hours, her voice came back. Softly, as if talking to a sleeping baby, she muttered, "I'm sorry, just...please, I haven't gotten married or had kids or seen my nephew speak his first words or…"

Her voice was failing her now as the floodgates opened and the tears flowed freely. She collapsed out of the chair and onto the ground as her world just closed in around her. She closed her eyes and no matter how hard she fought it, Maura's face floated behind her eyelids. _When she was younger, she had nightmares_ of Maura dying in her arms or Maura running away from her. Now she was the one dying and all she wanted was one more kiss from the literal girl of her dreams. It had been years since she had let the honey blonde enter her thoughts, but in this second of time she welcomed the vision and let the memory fill her with warmth and peace.


	3. Kettering pt 1

An x-ray and ultrasound confirmed the diagnosis. Unfortunately, the cancer had spread to more lymph nodes than originally believed, so instead of stage 3b, it was actually 3c. Survival rate: 9%.

Dr. Terrell asked Jane whether she wanted her family here to discuss her options.

"Just tell me. How long do I have?" Jane looked at him with intensity, desperate for some glimmer of hope.

He looked over the chart again, despite knowing already what it said.

"6 months, at best. There is no cure and seeing how far along your cancer is, it will likely not respond to chemotherapy or radiation treatments. We can always try it though, but I must warn you the side effects are intense and will probably make you feel worse."

"6 months..." Jane looked lost as those words repeated over and over again through her brain. That was nothing, that was a blip of time, that was not enough.

"Take a few days, talk to your family, figure out what you want to do. Then, come back and we'll talk again. You don't have to decide anything right now." He said calmly.

Jane left the hospital in a daze. She mindlessly drove to her Ma's apartment and knocked on the door.

"Janie! What a surprise! I didn't know you were coming, or I would have made something." She noticed the hospital bracelet and the red-rimmed eyes. "Janie? What's going on?"

Jane walked into the small apartment and fell onto the sofa facedown. Her body shaking with sobs.

Angela sat down near her feet and slowly rubbed her back like she used to when Jane was just a girl.

"Please tell me, Jane. I'm your mother, I'm sure I can handle whatever this is." She was becoming more worried the more Jane cried. Jane could handle getting shot, getting in fights with her brothers, tackling suspects, and seeing dead bodies almost daily; all of which without shedding a tear. Angela could not even imagine what this could be.

"Ma." She sat up slowly and held her mother's hand. "I have cancer."

"That's not funny Jane!" She swatted at her daughter's arm. "God, you had me so worried. You don't have cancer, you don't smoke or anything like that. Now, what is it really?"

Denial is always the first reaction; nobody wants to believe in death, no matter how real it is.

"I'm not kidding. Jeez! Why would I lie about that? I have stomach cancer and I'm dying. It is advanced, so it probably won't respond to treatments. The doctor gave me six months." She was pissed that her ma would question her like that, but as she watched comprehension fill the woman across from her, she felt guilty.

"I'm sorry, Ma. What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here?"

Jane had spent her whole life wishing her mother would stop talking for once, but now when she needed advice the most, her wish was granted. Angela sat there in silence, tears sliding down her face one after the other.

Instead of words, she pulled Jane into a tight hug trying to hold her as close as possible.

"Agh! Ma, let go! You're crushing me!" Jane struggled to say.

"No. I need this right now, so you are going to stay there and take it." she spoke quietly into her daughter's ear.

Over the next two days, Jane told her father and brothers and her coworkers and her on-and off again boyfriend, Casey.

Her Pa, Frankie, and Tommy cracked jokes, which made it seem okay, but they were just trying to hide their pain. Frost and Korsak cried and hugged her. It was draining tell them, but their love and support filled her with a bit of hope.

Unfortunately, it only takes one sour grape to ruin the bunch. She wasn't sure what she had been expecting considering their already rocky relationship and poor communication skills, but when she video chatted with Casey, who was in Afghanistan, he called her a liar and accused her of making it up in order to get him to move back to Boston.

"Fuck you, you selfish prick" She retorted and hung up before he could spit out anything else. She had stayed with him through his injuries, and he wouldn't even believe her. She didn't want to hear any excuses or ask for him to listen. She had a short amount of time, and she wasn't going to spend it explaining herself to an asshole like him.

Back at the doctor's office after three days of painful conversations, she sat side-by-side with her ma across from the man in the white coat.

He began the conversation, "Hello again Jane and nice to meet you Mrs. Rizzoli. So, what are your thoughts?"

Jane glanced at Angela, who was shifting uncomfortably in her chair. The two shared a private moment as they looked at each other before Jane spoke.

"Well it took a while, but I think I just want to spend my remaining time as comfortable as possible. I watched my aunt go through chemotherapy and she looked like she was in so much pain. I just want to go out as me, not as a shadow of myself."

Dr. Terrell nodded, "Okay Jane, I suggest you look into hospice care. There are some excellent facilities right here in Boston that will help control your symptoms, manage any pain, and allow you to die in peace. I can give you a list of some that I recommend if you would like."

Jane was deciding where she was going to die. The surrealness of the situation was overwhelming. Just two weeks ago, she was vying for a promotion at work and spending late nights drinking at her favorite bar, the Dirty Robber, with her friends. Now she was picking her final resting place.

She was so lost in memories that Angela spoke up instead, "Yes, doctor, I'm sure we would both like that list if its not too much trouble."

At Jane's apartment, the mother and daughter looked over the list of ten hospices in the area. Boston Hospice, Beacon Hill Hospice, Hospice Care, they all looked alike on paper.

"Let's go visit a few of them to see what they are like. I've never been to a hospice before." Angela said tentatively.

"I guess. God, who names these places though? Good Samaritan Hospice, Constant Hope Hospice. Really?" Jane hated making decisions, but this was going to be a big one. However, the reality of it all had yet to fully sink in. "Can't we go tomorrow? I just want to sleep and forget about everything"

"I'll come pick you up tomorrow morning at 9am, so be ready! Cancer or not, I'm not above dragging your scrawny ass out of bed."

* * *

Maura sat at her desk in her large office on the first floor of her thriving hospice. The place had been open for three months and already all the rooms on the three floors were occupied, although patients were constantly checking in and checking out. As the medical director, she oversaw all the attending physicians and ensured each patient received the appropriate medical accommodations. She also occasionally worked in the basement morgue to keep her pathology skills sharp. It was a huge undertaking, so she brought Dr. Ian Faulkner in to work as her assistant.

The two had worked together in Africa and their relationship developed into a romance. However, whereas Maura had left Doctors Without Borders after her service ended, Ian stayed in Africa to continue to help. The distance proved too much, and they decided to stay friends instead. When she called him to come work for her, he hopped on a place and joined her team. Maura indulged him several times with a little casual sex over the past few months, but for her at least, it was purely physical.

As she laid beneath his sweaty body, her mind would drift to the one she let slip through her fingers. Jane. It wasn't often she let the brunette enter her mind, but when she allowed it, her heart seemed to swell and her blood seemed to run warmer than 98.6 degrees. Despite her extensive medical knowledge and skillful logical reasoning abilities which told her those feelings were implausible, they felt more real than anything she ever read in any peer-reviewed journal or scholarly article.

Before Ian, there had been others. Some had intrigued her, challenged her, fascinated her, and pleasured her, but not a single one ever loved her completely with no reservations. None looked past her quirks and idiosyncrasies and saw who she was. Neither the men nor the women ever looked into her eyes and saw her soul, and none of them ever opened up enough to allow her to see theirs'. None except, that dashing young softball player who had offered her heart in her hands.

It wasn't until she had accomplished everything she had set out to accomplish that she realized what she had given up all those years ago. However, she tended to push these nagging concerns away and instead focused on her work. Thinking about it just made her too sad.

She was going over patient files trying to memorize all their names and ailments when she heard it. A sound that that had been lost in the archives of her memory for so long, but one that she could never forget. It floated through the air from the front doors, down the hallway, through her office door, and filled her ears with sweet bliss.

"Whoa, this place looks way too expensive. Come on, Ma, let's go somewhere else. There is no way I can afford this and I'm not going to let you go into debt. Boston Hospice was more up my alley anyway and the staff seemed really nice." Jane looked at the beautiful fountain in the middle of the foyer, the large art pieces and sculptures, and knew this was not the place for her.

Angela was in awe of the interior, "Oh, wow, this is amazing. It looks like a fancy hotel. Let's go look around some more. I wonder what the rooms look like!"

The two walked up to the front desk where they were greeted by the receptionist, a girl in her early 20's with light brown hair and a smattering of freckles across her face. She introduced herself as Elizabeth.

"What can I help you ladies with today?" she asked brightly.

Jane was still taking in her surroundings, so Angela smiled and spoke, "Could we possibly have a tour of the place, please?"

Maura stood up from her chair slowly. It couldn't be. She walked through the doorway and down the long hallway, her heels clicking along the linoleum floor. As she reached the main lobby, she froze right at the entrance to the hall. Standing not twenty feet from her was a tall, lanky woman with a familiar head of riotous, dark curls. She stared as if the woman might disappear. This was not the first time she had seen a look alike.

Once, she had been in line for movie tickets waiting patiently before she saw what looked like Jane round the corner of the theater. She ran out of line as fast as her heels would allow and caught up to the woman, who screamed and dropped the ice cream she was holding. Maura apologized profusely and felt mortified. She was not going to make that mistake again.

Jane was standing next to her mother when she felt it. It was subtle and weak, but the feeling of being watched was unmistakable. She turned quickly to catch the culprit, and she couldn't believe her eyes. Leaning against the wall, across the room, stood the love of her life. She was just as dashing as she remembered, wearing a deep red blouse with a form-fitting grey pencil skirt and dangerously high heels. She looked even more beautiful than she did two decades ago.

The electricity shot between the two as they looked each other over and noted every change and detail possible. Jane walked away from the front desk.

"Hey! Janie, where are you going? Elizabeth is about to take us on the tour!" Angela followed Jane's line of sight and saw Maura. "Isn't that…? Wait, stop."

Jane couldn't even hear her mother's request and within a few short strides, she was face to face with her ex girlfriend. Maura saw the deep, dark circles under Jane's eyes and saw just how skinny she was up close. Jane looked at the flawless makeup and utterly entrancing eyes of the shorter woman. They had yet to speak a word. Neither knew where to begin. There was years of unspoken resentment and pain along with a glimmer of hope.

Jane broke the silence, "So, is that how you pick up all your woman? Or is that just something special for me?"

Maura was perplexed, "Excuse me?"

She couldn't believe she hearing Jane's voice again, so unique, gravely and utterly arousing, that she wasn't even going to try to comprehend whatever she was saying.

Jane replied, "Do you look at everyone like that? Like you want to eat them, and no not literally." she flashed her signature smirk.

"Um...what do you...? Oh! You're referring to the first time we met, aren't you? And the answer would be no, I don't look at anyone else like that, at least, not that I'm aware of."

"Still as clinical as ever, aren't you? I guess things don't change that much. What are you doing here?" Jane was curious. Whenever she thought of reuniting with Maura, a hospice was nowhere on the list of places she imagined it happening.

"I…I own this place and….um... work as the Medical Director. Are you here to visit someone?" Maura never stumbled on her words, but something about this woman just rendered her vocal cords useless.

Jane was impressed, but then again she always knew Maura would be successful, she just never guessed she would choose hospice care as a career path, especially given her anxiety around most people.

"Wow, that's incredible, Maur. This place is amazing, you always did have great taste." The old nickname fell from her lips without a second thought, it just felt right.

Maura realized that Jane avoided answering her question, and she didn't want to push but she also really wanted to know.

"Well, thank you, it took me a long time to get here, but I think I have finally found what I was meant to do. Why are you here?"

Jane paused. Did she really want to tell Maura she was dying? Should she lie and say she is there to visit a relative? Or maybe she is checking her ma in? Or... ugh, "fuck it" she thought.

"I'm taking a tour of several different hospices, trying to decide on the best one." She wasn't lying but maybe that would satisfy Maura's curiosity, though she wasn't optimistic.

"Oh no, Jane, is it your mother? She looks okay though, her hair is grayer than I remember, but that is expected given her age. Is it cancer?" She tried to keep her voice low since the older female was not too far away talking with Elizabeth about the amenities and layout of the place.

Jane took in a deep breath, it was now or never.

"Yes, its cancer"

Maura nodded and put her hand on Jane's shoulder, rubbing it lightly like she used to. "I'm so sorry, Jane. I know you two are close."

She could let it slide and let Maura go on believing that. She could grab her Ma and walk out those doors right now and never come back. She could say goodbye and that would be the last time. But she knew she couldn't.

Jane took Maura's hand off her shoulder and held both of them in hers.

"My Ma isn't sick. She is doing just fine."

"Oh, thats wonderful! Wait, then why are you here?" Maura rattled through her brain searching for an explanation and came up empty. The only logical solution was not possible, was it?

"Its me. I have cancer. The doctor gives me six months and I just want to die someplace nice, not my shitty apartment and definitely not at my Ma's place. I don't want to be in pain and I don't want to be alone."

Jane squeezed the doctor's hands and searched her face for something, anything, but Maura's expression gave away nothing. She looked like someone had flipped an off switch in her brain, her eyes looked lost.

"Maur? Are you okay?"

Suddenly, her eyes refocused and she gazed at the gorgeous brunette facing her. "I could ask you the same question" Her lips curled up a little.

Jane burst out laughing, "Well, well, well. Glad that you also remember that day."

"I couldn't forget if I tried." She replied, chuckling as well.

Angela and the receptionist whipped around at Jane's outburst and couldn't believe what they were seeing or hearing. The two grown women were cracking up in the middle of a hospice lobby over a discussion about dying. It was completely ridiculous but then again, nothing about this situation was normal.

As the laughter subsided, a silence fell over them and there was no longer anything shielding the hurt from creeping in. The overwhelming realization came crashing down like an anvil dropped from the sky, and Maura found herself falling to the floor. Jane caught her quickly and lowered them both onto the ground, pulling the small doctor into her lap.

"Shh, shh. I'm here, I'm here. I'll stay."

Maura was sobbing, her tears dampening Jane's t-shirt. They sat there for several minutes as she held tight to the taller woman, afraid that if she let go, Jane would walk out on her forever. She thought about Jane lying in one of the hospital beds, one of her hospital beds, slowly withering away. She couldn't watch Jane die, it would be too much. Just hearing that she was going to die had sent her into a frenzy, what would happen when she actually had to see it? But she couldn't let her leave, she knew her facility offered the highest level of care around. Maybe if she just distanced herself, it would be okay. She could give Jane the best medical attention possible, and as long as she let the other physicians handle all the day to day interactions, she could keep herself detached. It was the best of both worlds.

She thrust herself up until she was standing. Jane stood up quickly as well, confused. Maura had her back turned to her.

"Jane, talk to Elizabeth and she will set everything up. We just got an opening today, so you can move in tomorrow if you want. I have to go, I...need to...go."

With that, she briskly walked back down the hallway to her office, not once looking back at the stunned brunette who looked like she had the wind knocked out of her.

* * *

A/N: Lots of processing coming up for both Jane and Maura. They each have a lot to deal with and overcome, so I hope you stick with me. Thanks for reading!


	4. Kettering pt 2

**A/N: Wow! It's amazing to see over 100 followers on this story. This started out as just something I wanted to get out of my head, so its really incredible to see other people enjoying it as well. Thanks to all the readers, you keep me going. **

* * *

Jane watched Maura walk away. What happened? What went wrong? She didn't know. One second she was comforting the broken doctor and the next she was getting the cold shoulder. She turned and walked over to her Ma who had been not so subtly watching the whole deal go down.

"Janie, maybe we should go somewhere else. Come on, we still have four more to look at." Angela spoke softly.

"I'm staying." Jane retorted. "This is it. I'm not going anywhere else."

The double meaning was not lost on the older woman, but she decided not to comment. She smiled up at Elizabeth who felt completely lost.

"Dear, can we have that tour now?"

* * *

Maura shut the door to her office and leaned against her desk for support. She shouldn't have done that. How could she just leave Jane there? Why did she always do this? She felt dizzy and flustered, it was too much. Jane was dying. Her Jane - no, not her's, she hadn't been her's in years, but the feelings were still there. There was something still alive between them, and she felt it.

When she heard that voice, she remembered what it felt like to be loved. She couldn't believe she had broken down and cried in front of her dying friend. If anyone needed comforting, it should have been Jane, not her, but the hurt just cut her to her core. There were so many things she wanted to know like where Jane had been all this time, where did she work, when did she find out, and so much more. God, she couldn't go back out there though, not after an exit like that.

"Think of her like any other patient. Focus." She told herself. She needed to just turn off her brain, so she turned her attention to choosing Jane's physician.

She decided to assign Dr. Olivia Harper as Jane's primary caregiver. She was a well-qualified, professional doctor in her mid 50s with extremely light blonde hair cut into a bob and very pale skin. She had worked with Maura at Johns Hopkins where the two became fairly close. She was caring but no nonsense, and Maura felt she would be able to handle Jane's stubborn nature. She also specialized in dealing with cancer diagnosis, which could only help.

This was not going to be easy. Anyway that she analyzed the situation, Maura could not foresee a favorable outcome. In the best case, the two ex-lovers would return to speaking terms and she could use her skills to help Jane in anyway necessary. In the worst case, Jane could refuse to see the medical director and die without another word shared between them. Either way, it seemed, Jane died and Maura was left with a heart full of regret.

She decided to give Jane a few days to settle in and get acquainted with the staff that would be caring for her, before attempting to see her again. Then maybe she would be able to think of something to say. There are no guides on "how to talk to your dying ex who you haven't see in twenty years", she already checked.

* * *

Two days after the unexpected reunion, Jane packed her apartment and gave away most of her belongings to her family and her friends. The rooms at the hospice were large, but they were already furnished. She thought it was going to be harder to see all her stuff moved out, but she had never really cared about material belongings.

She put some of her favorite clothes into a bag to take with her, though she figured she would be in hospital clothes most of the time, and she packed some keepsakes like her detective badge, old letters, and photos.

As she went looked through her albums, she suddenly gasped as she flipped the page. Maura was staring up at her, a huge smile on her face. She had forgotten about this picture. Jane had taken it at the first Red Sox game she and Maura went to together. The honey blonde had never gone to a ball game before, and all the excitement and wonder showed on her face and shined through the old photo.

As she flipped the page, she saw a candid shot of them together, sleeping on Jane's dorm room bed, face to face, limbs entwined. It had been taken by Jane's roommate without their knowledge, but the result was too beautiful to be angry at. They looked connected, as if they were sharing a dream and the sense of peace radiated around them.

Jane stared down at the photo, completely overtaken by the memories of that time. They had been so happy. She had known everything about that Maura in the photo and that Maura had known everything about her.

The Maura she saw two days ago couldn't even look at her, she walked away the same way she had all those years ago, without even a goodbye. As Jane's eyes started to fill with tears, her pup, Jo Friday, jumped up onto her lap. This was going to be the toughest part. The hospice didn't allow dogs.

She decided to give Jo to her Ma, who had always cared for her whenever Jane was out of town. It broke her heart to move the dog's bed and toys into the older woman's apartment, but she knew it was for the best. The little dog wagged her tail excitingly as Jane set up the bed in the living room and put her dog bowl in the kitchen.

Jo had no idea this was going to be the last time with her owner. She loved going on runs with her human, who would always take her to the best parks and let her play with all sorts of other dogs. The tall woman always let her sleep on the couch and eat little pieces of pizza and even some bacon in the mornings. Jo felt Jane lift her up, and she felt little drops fall on her scruffy head. She looked up at her owner's face and licked up the salty tracks, cheerfully.

Jane stared down at her mutt and whispered quietly, "Jo, I'm going to miss you. You were no police dog, but you were mine and that was enough. Be good for my ma, she can be loud but she loves harder than anyone I know. Bye, puppy."

She set the dog down and Jo scurried off to get some water. Jane walked to the door and looked back one last time as Jo turned around and cocked her head slightly. Jane smiled and walked out to her Ma, who was waiting in the car to drive to the hospice.

Elizabeth showed Jane to her room on the second floor. It was bigger than the bedroom in her apartment, and it had a nice en suite bathroom with a shower and a tub. The walls were a calm blue, there was a full size bed that was completely adjustable, a couch facing a wall mounted flat screen TV, dressers, a couple comfy chairs, and a large window facing the Charles River. It was very impressive and felt like a hotel room.

After Elizabeth finished pointing out all the features and controls like the nurse call button and how to adjust the bed, she told them that Jane's primary care team would be in soon and then left the mother and daughter alone. Jane placed her bags on the dresser and sat down on the couch. Angela sat beside her tentatively.

"I wouldn't mind living here. Its like a vacation, Janie" She tried to keep things light, unsure if that would backfire or not.

"Yeah, Ma. I just wish that I didn't know how this vacation was going to end." Jane stared down at her hands, fidgeting nervously.

"Honey, I'm here for you, and I'm sure you will have the best doctors looking out for you. You always used to tell me how smart Maura was. Whenever she used to come over for dinner, she was always spouting out facts and information. Did you know she owned this place?"

"No, did it look like I expected to see her here? Can we not talk about her right now? She is probably going to walk in soon, and it's hard enough seeing her again, I don't want to get into this with you. I'm sorry, I just don't."

At that moment several people entered the room. Maura was not one of them.

Jane fought to hide her disappointment as each person introduced themselves. There was Dr. Harper, her primary physician who would be in charge of keeping her cancer in check and making sure Dr. Isles's plan of care is followed; Diane Gillman, her nurse case manager who ensures all her pain is being managed and all her needs are met; Dr. Betty Cleason, her social worker who creates a psychosocial plan of care and provides emotional support and counseling for both Jane and her family; and Patrick Browning, her aide who would assist on the day to day basis with anything else.

It was a lot to take in, but they all looked nice and professional. She looked up at Dr. Harper, "Excuse me, Doctor, will the medical director be part of my team?"

"Yes, Dr. isles is a part of everyone's team but she usually does not assist in the actual care. She is more like the manager since she leads the staff on specific plans for each individual patient. She and Dr. Faulkner, her assistant, work extremely hard to ensure all those under their care receive highest level of care possible. It is strange that she is not here right now though, she almost always comes to meet new patients."

"Hmm, maybe since it is Monday she is busy." Jane knew that it was likely because of her, but she didn't think Maura would want her staff to know of their past relationship.

The four person team pulled up chairs next to the couch and sat facing Jane.

Dr. Harper led the discussion, "So, Jane. How are you feeling? I understand you have terminal stomach cancer. Are you experiencing any pain or discomfort?"

"I feel pretty good. I haven't been feeling very hungry over the past few days, and when I do eat, I feel full after barely eating anything. I get really bad heartburn as well, which has been really annoying. Sometimes I feel nauseous, but I've only thrown up a few times. I don't feel like I'm dying. I feel like I ate some bad meat."

The room filled with laughter. Betty spoke up, "I'm glad you still have your sense of humor, that is very important to maintain. You seem to be dealing with this well. Six months is not very long, what are your thoughts on that?"

Jane stared at the ground as she spoke, "Well, I think it just hadn't really hit me yet. I feel like I keep saying that, but I feel like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and you guys are just going to say "Gotchya!" and I'll go back to my life. Its not real for me, even moving here doesn't make it real. Maybe because this doesn't look like what I imagined a hospice would look like, or maybe my brain just doesn't want to believe it. When I really think about dying, I get angry and upset. I think, "Why me?" you know? I never did any drugs or drank too excessively. I exercised all the time and stayed healthy, well up until now at least. It just doesn't seem fair." She looked straight at the social worker, "Its not fair"

"You're right, its not. I am not going to say it will be okay, but the fact that you are open to talking about this is a great sign. It will make my job much easier and make it easier for me to help you come to terms with your disease."

Nurse Gillman stood, prompting the others to do the same. "It is a pleasure to meet you Jane, we are all here for you, so do not be afraid to ask for anything and don't hesitate to talk to us. We just want you to be comfortable and happy. We'll leave you now to set up your room however you wish, and we will be back tomorrow at different times to talk with you one on one."

At that, they filed out of the room. Jane sat on the couch and she heard a sniffle beside her. She completely forgot her mother was still sitting there since she had been silent for so long now.

"Ma? What's wrong?" It made her so uncomfortable seeing her usually talkative mother silently crying.

"I'm sorry. Seeing all these doctors here just made me feel…it's just that I'm your mom and I've always cared for you when you were sick, and now I can't. I feel useless, I can't just sit back and watch you wither away. I can't watch my baby die without a fight. You were always a fighter, Jane."

"I know. I still am, but there really is nothing I can do. Trust me, trust the doctors, there is nothing else to do. Maybe if they had caught it earlier, but there were no definitive signs and I always foolishly avoided the doctor at all costs. Trying to fight this might just make it worse and it will make me feel worse. And don't say there is nothing you can do. I need you to be here by my side, I need you just as much as all those professionals." Jane tried to sound more put together than she actually was.

Angela smiled through the tears, "Oh Jane, what will I do without you?" She hugged her daughter tightly and they stayed locked together in peaceful silence.

* * *

Over the rest of the week, Jane met with each of her team members and discussed her treatment options and care plan. She really liked Patrick who came and checked on her everyday. Sometimes they would watch part of the Patriots game together or just talk about sports, or movies, or anything that came to mind. He was more like a friend than a staff member, and that made Jane feel more comfortable around him.

She was on some light pain medications to help control some of her symptoms, so Nurse Gillman would come in every morning to deliver them, check her vitals, and see if she needed anything else. Diane was in her late 40s, caramel brown hair, a cheery demeanor, and only 5 feet tall. Jane towered over her, but the small woman still commanded respect.

Dr. Harper talked to Jane about a targeted therapy that would probably keep her feeling healthier longer. The drug is called Ramucirumab, or Ram for short. It has far less side effects than chemotherapy since it specifically targets the cancer cells, and it will help control her symptoms. Jane approved and they decided to start that the next week, on Monday, so three days from now.

Dr. Cleason would be meeting with Jane once a week or more if needed to discuss her mental health. Jane was not thrilled about this, but Betty (as she insisted being called) was extremely sweet. She had been in this profession for over 30 years and knew how to handle all types of patients. She had a way about her that was reassuring and non-judgemental. Jane still felt separate from her diagnosis, like it wasn't really happening to her, but Betty said that was normal, especially for patients Jane's age.

They wrapped up the hour long session talking about Jane's fears.

"You know, I've been avoiding thinking about that. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid to die, but I'm more scared of the effect it will have on my family. The only people we have lost are our grandparents, and we weren't that close with them but everyone was mourning for weeks. I saw the sadness in my parent's eyes, and I can only imagine what it will be like losing a child. I want them to keep on living and not die with me." Jane let her head fall into her hands. She wasn't crying but she just felt so much pain.

"Jane, you have a lot of empathy, which is great but it also can be a burden to carry the weight of other people's emotions. I am also here to provide support for your family and the hospice offers bereavement counseling for up to a year after your passing. They will be taken care of, I assure you. Is there any other fears that you have for yourself?"

Jane's mind immediately went to Maura, but apparently their relationship was nonexistent since the doctor couldn't even bother to visit in the week she had been here. She wasn't ready to talk about that, and she wasn't even sure how to approach that with Betty.

"I guess I'm just scared of how I will feel as time goes by. I watched my aunt go through chemo and survive, but she looked like hell and said she felt even worse. I'm not going to survive this, so how can I expect to feel?"

Dr. Cleason set down the notebook she was writing in, "It is the job of your team to make sure you never feel uncomfortable. We don't want you to experience any pain. This is a two way street though, and you are a part of this team, so we look to you to communicate any discomfort or concerns with us, don't hold back. Okay?"

It was like she was reading her mind or something, but talking about Maura could take hours and hours and she did not want to cross that bridge at this moment. Next time though.

"Okay, I will" Jane nodded and the session was over.

The weekend flew by. Jane's brothers came by and they watched the ball game together. Ma came and they read books together. Frost and Korsak checked in and chatted for hours with her. She was free to roam the building as long as she let Patrick know where she was going, so she checked out the recreation room, the pool, the movie room, and outdoor garden.

She ate most of her meals in the cafeteria, which had amazing food, but there weren't many people to socialize with since most were bound to their rooms. She was also probably the youngest patient by a good 30 years, so she got to know a lot of the staff and the volunteers. She also spent a good amount of time in the hospice library, which was stocked with a huge selection of books, magazines, and music. It really wasn't so bad here, but she still had yet to catch even a glimpse of the medical director, who must be avoiding her.

On Monday morning, Jane heard someone open the door, enter the room, and shut the door again, but it felt far too early for Nurse Gillman's visit. She pretended to sleep as the figure moved closer to the bed, but she caught the whiff of the unmistakable perfume that could only belong to one Dr. Isles.

Jane opened her eyes quickly, "What do you want?"

Maura was taken aback, she thought Jane would still be sleeping. She hadn't planned out what to say, she just wanted to see her again. Once again, she was at a loss for words.

"I don't want you here." Jane looked at her with such disdain, but she was just trying to cover the hurt that she felt at being abandoned. She had promised herself that she wasn't going to let that happen again, but it did.

"I'm sorry, I just wanted to check in on you to see if you're alright." Maura voice shook slightly. Jane just threw her so off balance.

"No, you lost that right when you walked away. Why do you always run from me? I know you must feel it otherwise you wouldn't have broken down like that. You can't just run from a feeling like that!" Jane was boiling.

"I have for this long!" Maura didn't know where that came from but there it was.

"And look where it's gotten you. I don't see a ring on that finger, and you wouldn't have come running at the sound of my voice if you were with someone. You are alone." Jane wanted to stop, she saw how much this was hurting the doctor, but all those nights that she cursed Maura's existence were fueling the fire.

"Stop! Stop it!" Maura wasn't yelling but she raised her voice for the first time in...she couldn't even remember how long.

"No, fuck you. You don't get to tell me to stop, I have waited for so long for this and you are not running away now."

Maura started to turn.

"Don't you dare walk away from this!" Jane snapped

"God, what do you want from me?" Maura faced her ex.

Jane stood from the bed and stood less than a foot in front of the smaller woman, "Admit that you feel it, that you feel something for me."

The doctor stared at the dark brown eyes piercing her own, "Yes! I feel something. There, are you happy?"

Jane scoffed. _She hated that tone, it made her feel so alone_, "Am I happy? Really? I'm fucking dying, Maura!"

The honey blonde turned away and walked a few steps, trying to hide her tears, "That's not what I meant. Its just...we can't keep doing this. I can't let you do this to me every time I see you."

Jane rolled her eyes, staring at the doctor's back, "Well, sorry that my presence makes you human. You avoided me for a whole week, I only have maybe 25 weeks of life left, and you wasted one. Sorry that you can't deal with your own emotions long enough to even have a conversation with me. I wish I had never met you. This is all your fault."

The words hung in the air before hitting the doctor swiftly in the chest.

"What?!" Maura spun around in a fury, "I didn't give you cancer Jane, I didn't make you avoid the doctor who could have caught it early, that's on you not me!"

She instantly regretted the words as they fell from her lips. She watched Jane retreat back to the bed and sit on the edge, staring blankly out the window. _She didn't talk for a while. _The silence was stifling.

"I shouldn't have said that. I wasn't thinking...I was…" Maura tentatively approached Jane.

The doctor was crying but she stared straight into the heart of the brunette and finally let her emotions speak, "You were the best friend I ever had, honestly the only real friend I ever had. I don't regret a second of time we had together. You showed me that love existed, but I ran because I felt like I couldn't give you the same amount of love that you gave me. I didn't think I was capable and all my relationships since then have proved that, but when I heard your voice, it was like something came alive again. I think that I'm still in love with you Jane."

The brunette took Maura's hand in hers and pulled her down so they were sitting side by side

"I've always been in love you, Maur. Even when I hated you, I loved you. There was never a time when we were together that I didn't feel completely loved by you, except the day that you left. I just wish you would have told me. Why did you avoid me this whole week?"

"I thought that maybe if I stayed away, this would be easier. I can't just watch you die, but I can't keep fighting this. I want to be with you, for whatever time you have left. I want to be here for you, I'm going to be here for you."

Maura pressed her lips to Jane's cheek and tasted the salt from her tears, but she didn't care. It felt like the crushing pressure had finally been lifted from her chest, and she could breathe again.

Jane smiled and brought the doctor into a hug.

"I love you." She whispered into the honey blonde curls.

"I love you, too"


	5. Bedside Manner

**A/N: Sorry for the delay, this one took me a while. The chapter title is actually the alternate track title from the album, in case you were following along. I love to hear what you guys think! Enjoy. **

* * *

As the doctor pulled away from the hug, they both stood up and nervously looked at each other.

"So…" Jane rocked back and forth on her feet nervously

"Let's just let this be for right now. I need to get back to work, but I will be back later tonight to see you again. We will talk then, okay?" Maura wanted to make it clear that she wasn't running.

"Okay, I'll see you then."

Maura moved towards the door while Jane fidgeted in place like she wanted to say something.

"Wait! Can I kiss you? You know, like goodbye?" The brunette asked quietly, a slight pink tinged her cheeks.

Maura smiled to herself, turned quickly until she was face to face with Jane. The doctor slowly leaned in and placed a gentle kiss onto slightly, chapped lips. Their lips moved together in a delicate dance that was a little out of practice, but the steps were coming back to them quickly and soon they fell into a familiar rhythm. It was tender and passionate with neither person dominating and neither unsatisfied. It didn't escalate or demand anything, it was content where it was and served as a perfect reintroduction.

Jane leaned back and looked at the gorgeous woman in front of her, "Wow. That was even better than I remember."

"You're not so bad yourself. I really do have to go now, but I'll be thinking of that all day." She smiled and left the room.

Jane went back to bed and laid down under the covers. She couldn't believe this was happening. She had dreamed about this moment for so long and now it was a reality except this reality was not going to last. She stared at the ceiling and let out a sarcastic chuckle.

"You are one sick dude. If this is a cruel joke, I would really like to know now. Well, I guess either way it's cruel. Either she does love me and I'm going to die, or she doesn't love me and I'm going to die. What did I do to piss you off?"

She was so preoccupied that she didn't see or hear Dr. Harper and Nurse Gillman walk in.

"Are you religious, Ms. Rizzoli?" Diane questioned.

"Whoa! I did not notice you guys, I really hope you didn't hear that…" Jane pulled the covers over her head in a sad attempt to hide her shame.

"We aren't here to judge you. There is a chaplain on staff, if you would like any religious guidance though." the nurse, Diane, spoke in a neutral tone.

"Naw, I'm good, thanks though. Is it med time already?"

"Yup, here we go."

Nurse Gillman hooked Jane up to the heart monitor and then inserted the IV into her arm.

Dr. Harper stood next to the bed, "Okay, we will see how your body reacts to Ram. It helps slow the growth of cancer and stops it from spreading throughout your body. You will need to take it every two weeks, and the side effects are mild. You will probably experience headaches and diarrhea, possibly high blood pressure. You will have to wear a heart monitor now, but we have portable ones that will allow you to maintain your mobility. There is a rare side effect of blood clots and internal bleeding, so we just want to be cautious. It is very unlikely though."

"My luck isn't the best, doc. I will wear anything or take anything to stay as healthy as I can."

"We are going to monitor you closely over the rest of the week to see how you respond to this. There are other drugs we can try if this doesn't work, but I must remind you that these are not cures. I just don't want you to get your hopes up. This drug will keep things from getting worse and that is the best we can hope for." The doctor smiled sadly. "I'll leave Nurse Gillman here to finish up your Ram treatment, but I'll be back tomorrow to check up on you."

After 45 minutes of treatment and almost a full episode of Chopped, the nurse removed the IV and left Jane alone in the room.

She felt a little tired, but okay. Patrick came in soon after and the two played chess together.

"How are you today?" The young man asked

"I'm fine. I can feel a bit of a headache coming on, but nothing I can't handle."

"That's good, you seem like you can handle a lot."

Jane looked up from the chessboard, "Yeah, I used to be able to tackle any situation. I was a detective, so action and danger were almost constant parts of my day. I've been threatened, punched, stabbed, and shot. Who would have thought my own body would be the thing to finally take me down?"

The sandy haired med student smiled, "Cancer is a bitch. It doesn't care who you are or anything. I lost my mom to breast cancer, which is why I decided to intern here. She spent her last few months in a hospice like this, and she always talked about how great all the staff treated her. I knew that this was something I wanted to do."

"Oh, I didn't know that. I'm really glad you're here. Sorry for your loss" She looked sadly at her opponent who was staring down at the pieces in a trance.

"Thanks, I still miss her all the time, but I know she went out in peace and I want to help you do the same."

Jane smiled sadly, "Thank you, that means more than you know."

* * *

After her eventful morning, Maura returned to her office and tried to focus on work. However, the feeling of Jane's lips on her's and the emotional confessions all pushed themselves to the forefront of her mind. She turned on her computer and started researching stomach cancer. It is a sneaky disease that rarely presents any symptoms, which leads to late diagnoses and low survival rates. She should let Dr. Harper handle this, but she just couldn't let it go.

She started researching cures and was faced with a horribly short list of possibilities. Chemotherapy and radiation were at the top, but at Jane's stage it was too late. There were other drugs, including the one Jane was taking now, but because of her cancer's progression, they were only band-aids on an open wound.

Maura laid her head face down on her desk. She had waited her whole life to feel this way again and find someone who felt the same, and it was going to disappear in a matter of months. Maura had sacrificed their relationship together, so that she could get the best education possible and become a doctor. Now, she couldn't even use those skills to save the person that she left standing in her dust.

"Was it even worth it?" Maura thought, "I achieved all the goals I set for myself, yet nothing has ever felt as satisfying as hearing a heartfelt 'I love you', not graduating from college, nor working as a medical examiner, not even opening this hospice. I can't let her die without trying to save her. I'm going to save her."

She dug deeper in her research and learned of several clinical trials in progress right now for stomach cancer at all its stages. She was intently staring at the screen when Ian walked in.

"Hey Maura, do you have Mr. Edgar's file? I can't seem to find my copy anywhere."

The medical director was so engrossed in her quest that she had only vaguely registered her assistant's request, "Umm, yeah, check….over there." She waved her hand lazily towards her file cabinet.

"What's going on? Are you working on a side project or something? I don't think I've seen you look so consumed by anything." He quickly walked around her desk to investigate.

"What are you doing? I really don't appreciate being intruded upon like that, and I don't have to tell you about every single thing that I'm working on." She stood up to block the screen, appalled at his brashness.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him.

"You seem stressed, I know something that could help with that" He brought his mouth to her neck.

"Stop! Let go of me. Now!" She pushed his large arms off her body and shoved him away. "You can't do that, especially not here. I thought I made it very clear that we are not a couple. I am attracted to you and enjoy sexual intercourse together, but that is all. I thought you we could work as colleagues here, which is why I brought you, but if you cannot maintain a professional demeanor then I will have to dismiss you."

The large, handsome man stared at the woman standing across from him. In all the years he had known her, she had never spoken to him like that. In his mind, they were such a great couple but distance caused to problems. He had assumed that once they were together again, their relationship would take off again. They were both attractive, successful, and intelligent, what more was there?

"What? Come on, honey, every time we sleep together I fall deeper in love with you. You must feel it as well, let's go back to the way we were back in Africa. I want to be with you."

"Besides your penis in my vagina, I don't feel anything from you and I don't want to. Our intimate relationship is now over, and you may address me as Dr. Isles from this point forward. If anything like this ever happens again, I will not hesitate to fire you and file a sexual harassment charge. Close the door on your way out."

She sat back in her chair and turned her intensity towards her task, not once watching the retreating form of her ex.

After an hour of dedicated research, she had come up with a potential cure. A drug still in clinical trials was showing some success in curing even stage four stomach cancer. The problem is with it was its long list of exclusions including patients had to be over age 50, and clinical trials always include placebos so certain patients might not even receive the medicine. Maura looked at the trial lead physician, Dr. Tricia Ansel from Stanford University.

Wait, that was Ian's professor in college. He used to talk about her all the time when they were working in the field. She was a mentor to him, and apparently recommended him to Doctors Without Borders in the first place. If Maura could just get him to talk to her, maybe he could get a sample or more of the drug. If only, she hadn't just threatened his job and called off their sex fling. Well, if saving Jane meant she had to suck up her pride then so be it. She would talk to him later this week to see what she could do.

The doctor returned to her actual duties and spent the remaining of the day going over patient files and staff schedules. At six pm, she called it a day and shut down her computer and left her office, heading for the elevator to go up to the second floor.

Jane was just finishing eating dinner with Angela and Frankie when she heard the tell-tale clicking of heels exiting the elevator down the hall. Only Maura was crazy enough to wear those torturous things everyday. Jane tried to hurry things along.

"What's the rush, Janie? You know the doctors said it wasn't good for you to eat quickly like that." Angela looked concerned.

"I'm tired, Ma. It's nice to see you and you too, little bro, but I just started a new drug today and its giving me a hell of a headache."

Maura entered the room with a smile, that quickly faded at the sight of the other Rizzolis.

"Oh, Maura, nice to see you, dear. Is something wrong?" the matriarch seemed a little put off at the sudden entrance.

She had watched her daughter completely broken up over this woman, who crushed her heart. It was always hard to watch any of her child hurting, especially her headstrong first-born, so she didn't have the highest regard for the doctor. She respected her and admired her knowledge and skills, but she would not allow anyone, no matter how intelligent, to play with her daughter's emotions.

Maura looked to Jane for some indication of what to say, but the brunette seemed just as lost. Neither of them knew their relationship status, so they definitely weren't about to tell other people.

"I was just checking in to see how Jane is adjusting to life here. It is a big transition, so I wanted to make sure everything was going okay." She kept her voice calm. Jane nodded subtly at her, which made the honey blonde smile.

Angela caught the shared glance and decided to probe a little, "How nice! Well, I can tell you that this place is really incredible. When I get old, Frankie, you better set me up somewhere as wonderful as this hospice. I can't believe you were able to open this place by yourself at such a young age, or is your husband a doctor as well?"

"I'm…not married." She was caught off guard at the question. "I worked hard and saved a lot to open this facility."

Jane was so embarrassed at her mother's questions, "Ma! You can't just assume that successful women only got there because of their husbands. It's not 1950 anymore, jeez."

"Well, sorry Jane. I was just curious. It is not everyday you see such a beautiful, young woman that is not married, do you have a nice boyfriend, Maura?"

The medical director felt so uncomfortable, she just wanted to fade into the wall and disappear.

"MA! Did you not just hear a word I said? Can you stop drilling her, for god's sakes? She just wanted to check on me and look, you made her red as a beet! I'm finished eating, can you please go? I don't want this to escalate any more than it has."

"I'm sorry, wait, I'll stop. I want to spend time with you, please"

"Come back tomorrow and we can watch some TV together. Please, I don't want to yell at you, but if you keep talking to Maura like that, I might. I really am tired though and need to rest. I'll see you tomorrow, goodbye."

The older woman was not used to being shut down, but she did not want to fight with her dying daughter. She hugged her child and walked out. Frankie hugged Jane and followed behind, happy to be leaving the tense room.

Jane looked over the doctor who seemed to be folding into herself. The only sound was the steady beeping of Jane's heart monitor.

"Hey, I'm sorry about her. She just doesn't know when to stop most of the time. I am glad to see you again"

Maura looked over at the tall brunette and seemed to snap out of her thoughts, "I'm okay, how are you? That is new." She pointed at the monitor.

"Yeah, I have to wear it all the time now because of that new drug that Dr. Harper has me on. It is giving me headaches, but apparently it should be slowing the growth of my cancer." She stared at the machine attached to her.

Maura approached Jane and led them both to the couch. She sat so close that there was no space between their bodies and laid her head on her companion's shoulder.

"Yeah, Ram can have that side effect but it has been very successful in treating your type of cancer and it has even cured some people of the disease entirely."

"The doc says there is no cure for me, but there are things that can help me feel better for longer. I am just grateful for any amount of time I have, especially if I can spend it with you." Jane held tightly to Maura's hands while inhaling the intoxicating scent of her hair that seemed to saturate the air around her.

"You know, there might be a cure…I was doing some searching online earlier today and found a very intriguing clinical trial that is active right now. It has shown remarkable breakthroughs in advanced stage gastric cancer."

Beep...Beep…Beep…

The pulsing sound cut the silence that lasted for several moments. Maura looked up at Jane's stoic expression. _She suggested a smile - they didn't talk for a while_.

"I said there might be a cure, Jane…"

"Wouldn't that be great. It probably cost a fortune though, and I probably don't qualify for it. I know a little about clinical trials and they are usually hard to get into and very risky. I'm in this hospice for a reason, Maur, I am going to die. I have not given up, but my body has. If my own doctor, a gastroenterologist, and Dr. Harper, who specializes in cancer, agree that nothing more can be done, then nothing more can be done."

"You haven't even heard me out, won't you at least consider it?" Maura pulled her head off the taller woman's shoulder in order to look her in the eyes.

"Look, I know you are a genius and brilliant and driven, but I think this is one puzzle that you can't solve. I appreciate and love that you really want there to be a solution, but there isn't one, at least not one that you want."

Jane tried to sound sincere and not condescending, but seeing the tight lipped reaction of the doctor, she wasn't sure if she was successful or not.

"I'm trying to save your life! I want you to stay alive, why are you so okay with all of this?!" Maura thought Jane would want to hear more about the clinical trial and ask to get it as soon as possible. She could not fathom the strong, confident softball star of her past just rolling over and accepting a death sentence.

"I'm not okay with all this, but this is my life now! I want you to be here for the rest of it, but not like this. Not if you are going to try to shove drugs down my throat and pity me. I love you, Maura, but I think _you ought to be leaving. _Think about what you really want from this relationship because I am not going to be your test subject. You can either be here as my partner or here as my doctor, but you need to choose."

"I can be both, please, let me be both. If I can save you, I'm going to do so. I have never loved anyone as much as I love you. Six months is not enough, its not enough." The doctor was in tears, which seemed to be how every conversation with Jane ended.

The brunette wiped the tears away with the back of her hand, "I know, but that is what I've got. I hope you choose not to waste it."

Maura leaned forward and placed a sweet kiss on the other woman's lips. It was as light as a feather and ended almost as soon as it began. She stood from the couch and looked down at Jane.

"I'm sorry, but if you are really going to make me choose between keeping you alive or letting you die, I'm keeping you alive. Even if you never speak to me again, I know it will be worth it."

With that, she turned and walked out the door. At the doorway she paused and looked over her shoulder, "I will always love you, Jane. I always have, but you can't expect me to do nothing."

"You can't force me to do anything that I don't want to" Jane retorted and crossed her arms, still sitting in place.

"I can be very convincing. I will save you." She left the room.

Jane sat brooding. She wanted to be with the doctor, why did that woman have to be so damn stubborn? Couldn't she just leave her alone? They could be making out right now, and instead they were separated...again. Maura needed to just leave well enough alone, and enjoy the moment. If Jane wasn't so hopelessly infatuated with the honey blonde, it would be so easy to just ignore her and live the rest of her days in peace.

The question now was, where did they go from here?


	6. Jane pt 1

**A/N: I always said that if I ever wrote my own story, I would update it all the time and never leave people waiting, but damn, life really does get in the way. Sorry everyone that this took so long, hopefully my next update will come sooner. The original track title on the album is "Sylvia" but I changed it to "Jane" to fit the story. Anyway, hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Jane did not see Maura the next day or the day after that. It was Thursday, so she had her weekly session with Dr. Cleason, which finally gave her something else to focus on.

The doctor came in around 11am when Jane was relaxing in bed, reading a book.

"Hi Jane, how are you feeling today?" Betty brought over a chair and took a seat.

"I'm okay. These headaches have been brutal, but the pain meds have been helping a lot. I feel pretty weak but not terrible."

"Well, that doesn't sound too bad and how are you feeling emotionally?"

Jane shifted a little to sit up straighter, "Um, Dr. Cleason…"

"Please, call me Betty."

"Okay, um..Betty, our sessions are confidential right? I mean, like you don't tell anyone else what I say, like not the medical director or Dr. Harper or anything?"

"I keep your team up to date on your psychological well-being, but I don't tell them the details, if that is what you're worried about. Anything you say will be completely private, but if you are, say, suicidal or depressed, those are things I share with the other doctors."

"No, nothing like that." Jane searched her mind for where to even begin, "Its just, I recently…reunited with someone from my past, someone very special, but things haven't exactly been going well. This person meant a lot to me, and they still do but they just won't accept my diagnosis, which is really straining our relationship. I want to be with them for the time I have left, and they just don't get it."

Betty sat forward to be closer to Jane, "Forgive me if this is too forward, but are you referring to Dr. Isles?"

Jane's eyes widened and her heart monitor started beeping a tad faster than before as she averted her gaze.

The doctor hid her smile, "You don't have to say and I'm not going to question you further, but just know that word travels fast in this place."

Jane looked up, "What do you mean?"

"None of the staff had ever seen the medical director cry before or show any deep emotion really. She is very professional and stoic, so when she broke down in the lobby, we all knew that you must be important to her. And when she didn't show up to introduce herself with the rest of us, it just confirmed my suspicions. Also, she seems to be really invested in something right now, I haven't seen her much the past few days, which is very unusual."

"Yeah, that might be about me. She thinks she can save me, cure me, but I just keep telling her to let it go. She won't listen when I say that nothing else can be done. I never thought I would see her again. We were together in college but went our separate ways, yet I never stopped thinking about her and apparently neither did she. I just want to enjoy this second chance, and its like she is throwing it all away."

Betty was processing all this information, it was interesting to learn more about Dr. Isles's past, "Jane, have you thought about how she feels though? You, a person she cares for, are dying and she is going to be left behind. She is a doctor, so she wants to save you. I'm not condoning her actions, but can't you see things from her perspective?"

"I mean, yeah, kinda. She ended our relationship to become a doctor, so maybe she feels guilty and wants to make it up to me. I don't know. But, if it doesn't work, if she can't fix me, then I die having missed out again on time spent with her. I love her, Betty. She was...she is the best thing that ever happened to me." Jane leaned back on the pillows and stared at the ceiling

"I think you need to talk to her about this. I can tell this is eating at you, and mental health is just as important as physical health. Stress and anxiety will only hurt you, so you need to work through this."

"She won't even come see me! After our fight on Monday, she disappeared and I haven't seen her since. I don't know where to find her, and I don't want to argue anymore. If she doesn't want this, then I don't want to waste my own energy grasping for something that isn't there."

"There is something there, Jane, and you can hide from it, but it exists. Maybe you should take some time to really think about what you are looking for and try to understand what Dr. Isles might be going through as well. If your situations were reversed, could you just sit back, act like you are in a relationship together, then watch her die? Wouldn't you try everything you could to hold on to her?"

Jane felt horrible. Wasn't therapy supposed to make her feel better? She would try to save Maura at all costs if need be, but not if she didn't want to be saved. Oh, who was she kidding? She would break every law, jump through every hoop, and go to the ends of the world to save Maura, even at the cost of their relationship.

"You're right. I would do the same for her. God, am I blind? I've been stuck inside my head for so long that I couldn't even see how much she cares. I would trust her with my life, and I know she would do anything for me. It's just that..." Jane searched for what she wanted to say

The doctor prompted her, "Yes…What is it? Why are you so afraid to give it a chance? Why are you so hesitant for a second chance at life?"

Jane was a stunned at the blunt questions, though she knew she needed them. She sat up and pondered why she was so opposed to treatment. Was she ready to just die?

"I had just accepted the diagnosis, you know. I mean you doctors know much more than I do, so who am I to question your conclusions? I've never told anyone and never even really admitted this before, but I almost felt relief when I heard it was cancer. That sounds even more horrible coming out of my mouth than it did in my mind, but when I first heard the news, after the initial shock wore off, I was almost glad. My life felt empty. I mean, I love my job and I was great at it. I was even going to get a promotion which is why I was at the doctor in the first place, but besides work...I was just kinda going through the motions. My shitty boyfriend treated me like a pet, expecting me to wag my tail every time he came home and to heel and follow him everywhere. The love of my life was long gone, a distant memory at that point, and my family, though loving, was just too much."

Dr. Cleason was just sitting and listening intently as this was the most she had ever hear Jane speak.

She continued, "There were times when…" she paused for a moment and seemed very fragile and small, as she stared out into space. "...when...I considered suicide. I just felt like I didn't want to keep kidding myself and pretending that things were okay. I had good friends, a steady job that I enjoyed, and a caring family. What is wrong with me? People would kill for that, and I wanted to throw it all away. Then I heard my diagnosis and was almost glad that something else was going to kill me, so I wouldn't have to do it myself. But when I came to the hospice and saw Maura again, I felt reenergized and so pissed at my cancer. All the old memories came flooding back and the doubt crept it. I think I am so opposed to being saved because what if I do live and I'm not enough? What if she leaves me again? You didn't see me after the first time, I was a mess, but if that happened again, I don't even know what I would do.

* * *

**20 years ago**

The morning after Maura's hasty departure, Jane ran back to the aspiring doctor's dorm room only to find the door ajar and the room barren. She had come to apologize for the kiss and say goodbye, but instead she was met with stark white walls and empty drawers. She had instantly regretted fleeing after their heated kiss, but it was so overwhelming and the fact that it was probably going to be their last was crushing.

Jane looked around the small room and saw glimpses of the past everywhere. This floor was where they sat together and worked on homework or made blanket forts. That wall was where Maura had placed a framed picture of the two of them together. This bed was where they had made love for the first time and where Jane had fully trusted another person with her whole self. The bottom drawer was where Maura kept some extra clothes for Jane and where she stashed all their love notes.

The brunette walked over to the dresser and checked to see if her clothes might still be there. Only a pair of sweatpants remained, which she bent over to pick up. She looked back down and saw an envelope with her name on the front. Picking it up delicately as if it was dynamite, she opened the crisp white fold.

Dear Jane,

I took some of your shirts and all your notes with me. I want to remember the way we were because contrary to what you may believe, I was in love with you. However, I can't stay. I need to do this because I know that I will regret it if I don't go, and then I might end up resenting you, which is the last thing I want. Maybe one day we'll meet again when we are older and more established in our lives, but until then I wish you all the best. You are smart, beautiful, and strong, and you taught me so much about life and love. I will miss you, but I think this is for the best. I will become a doctor and you will become a brilliant detective; our relationship might hold us back, so goodbye Jane. Thank you for everything. I know you will be great.

Sincerely, Maura Isles.

She stared at the piece of paper feeling hurt, sad, and angry. So many thoughts raced through her head, "Hold us back? Why did she get to decide that? Who was she to decide that their relationship was going to hurt their potential careers?" Jane crumpled the letter in her hands and stormed back to her own room. She collapsed on the bed, the letter in a ball in her hands. She was too upset to cry, so she screamed into her pillow until no sound was left.

Maura hadn't left an address to contact her, and Jane didn't have a car to get to Maryland though she wouldn't even really know where to look once she got there. It was all over and that realization sent Jane over the edge. She broke into sobs that shook through her entire body. The tears were sparse, but the pain was palpable and deep within her. It was like some invisible machine was torturing her slowly, and she was helpless to stop it.

The next several weeks she waited for another letter from Maura but none came. She didn't know where to call, and neither of them had cell phones at the time. Her ma came to visit two weeks after Maura left.

"Janie!" She burst into her daughter's dorm room to find her sleeping at 2pm on a Saturday.

"Ma!? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Watch your mouth young lady! I don't hear from you for two whole weeks, and you don't even come by for Sunday dinner and that's the greeting I get!"

Jane was not prepared for this, but there was no running from this woman. She sat up in bed, "Sorry, Ma. I just wasn't expecting you. I've just been going through some stuff, and I guess I just forgot."

The older woman came and sat down next to Jane, "What's wrong, hon? I thought things were going well here. That girl….Maura? She seemed like a really good friend and you were doing great in softball, right?"

"Well, see...Maura wasn't just my friend Ma. She was kinda more than that…"

"Oh! Like a best friend! That's great Jane. I always wanted you to have more girl friends, and she seemed so well dressed and pretty that time I met her. Maybe she could help you look a little better!"

Jane sighed and felt herself starting to lose it again, "No… not like that. I mean she was more that a best friend. I was...I was in love with her Ma. We were a couple, and she left. She dumped me, and she isn't coming back." The tears returned and she slumped back into bed, using a pillow to hide herself.

Angela sat in shock. Jane had never really had any serious boyfriends before, but she didn't think she was gay or maybe...she just didn't want to think she was gay.

"Janie, its okay." She rubbed her daughters leg, comfortingly. "I'm not mad. I'm more just upset that you didn't tell me until now. Did you think you couldn't trust me?"

Jane pulled the pillow off her face, surprised that her mother was taking this so well. "It's not that. I just didn't want Pop to find out, you know how he is about gay people. I spent my whole childhood hearing him go on and on about faggots and dykes and how they were all going to hell. I love Pop, so I don't think I could take it if he were to treat me like that because of who I am."

Angela saw how hurt Jane was both at this confession and the break up. She wasn't at all used to having to comfort her usually stoic daughter, who always pushed her away, but she pulled Jane into a tight hug and the younger Rizzoli let herself fall into the embrace.

"Shh...its okay, you're okay. I love you, honey, regardless of who you love. As for your father, perhaps we just won't tell him about this."

Jane nodded into her mom's shoulder. She wasn't okay but she was glad she had her mother.

* * *

It would actually take years for her to feel okay again. As more and more time passed without a word from Maura, the gap in her heart slowly filled and the loneliness and longing no longer dominated her emotions. She was never completely filled like she was when they were together, but after many years and other lovers, she was okay.

When she saw those hazel eyes and honey colored hair again, a small spark lit up in her heart, threatening to burst. She knew that if she let it, there would be no returning. The gap would either stay fill completely or become a black hole. It was a huge risk, which made her so hesitant to take it. She skirted the line with saying "I love you" and with the kiss. Each gesture adding fuel to the tiny flame but not allowing it to intensify. It was just enough to keep her satisfied. Going too far would make it that much harder to let go at the end of 6 months, and being rejected would make her wish 6 months would come faster. It was a very thin line to walk.

"Jane? Jane!" Betty's voice pulled her out of her head "Where did you go just then? Were you thinking about that first break up?"

Jane sat on the edge of the bed, "Yeah...Sorry, I just got so lost in it all. The memories feel raw still despite the time. She really ruined me, and if that happened again, I feel like I would die and not just my body but all of me. She left me that first time when something better and more enticing came along, what's stopping her this time? She told me she loved me back then, so why is this any different? I can't let her rip out my heart!"

The doctor moved her chair closer to Jane who had pulled her knees into her chest and wrapped her hands around the back of her head.

"Listen to me. This is your life and you are free to do whatever you want. Nobody can force you to take any medicine or force you to talk to anyone. I want you to feel comfortable doing whatever it is you choose. It sounds like there is still a lot to work out with Dr. Isles and that is something I recommend addressing sooner rather than later. I can't answer most of your questions, but she probably can. I am very proud of you, Jane, for opening up to me today. It takes courage to speak about your fears and insecurities, and if you can do the same with Maura then I think things will work out."

Jane relaxed a little and looked up at the doctor, "Thanks, but how do I see her? She sure doesn't want to see me."

"She is out today, but she will be back tomorrow, and I will personally try to get her to come visit. I can't promise anything, but I can be very convincing."

Jane sighed and moved across the room to the couch. "I understand, doc. Thank you, for that and for listening."

The doctor turned her chair to face Jane, "You're welcome, that's what I'm here for. There is no judgement or anything. I want you to feel completely at ease talking with me."

"I do now. Thank you." Jane smiled at Betty. "One more thing, do you have any tips of how to approach my conversation with her? Every time we are together, it's like our emotions just erupt and neither of us can control what we say or do. I never want to fight with her, but sometimes I can't stop myself. There are so many things I want to say, but then I end up saying all the wrong ones. Is there anything I can do to stop that?"

"I would say, try to take a few moments to gather your thoughts before speaking. Take two deep breaths to calm yourself and then speak. It will seem very difficult at first, but it should help. Other than that, just speak from your heart. If you talk to her like you talked to me here today, you will be just fine. Our session is over now, a little early, but I think you need some time yourself. I do suggest writing down your thoughts since that can be a great way to organize what you feel, but you don't have to if you don't want."

Dr. Cleason rose from her chair and left the room. Jane had plenty to think about.

* * *

Maura had taken the day off and was at her home diligently researching Dr. Ansel's clinical trial. It seemed perfect. It had a 49% success rate at eliminating stage three and stage four stomach cancers, and the side effects were generally mild such as nausea, diarrhea, tenderness in abdomen, and vomiting. There was only the rare instances of internal bleeding and liver problems. The wait list was incredibly long to get into the trial, and Jane did not even qualify because of her age but at this point nothing was going to stop her.

Maura called up Stanford to speak to Dr. Ansel directly, though it was a long shot.

"Dr. Ansel's office, how may I help you?" a female voice asked politely

"Hello, this is Dr. Maura Isles. I am a medical director for a hospice in Boston, and I heard about the clinical trial going on right now. I was wondering if I could speak to the doctor to learn a bit more about it."

"Dr. Ansel is currently working in the lab and is unavailable to talk, but she will be free tomorrow at 11am."

"Oh okay, I will attempt to contact her then. Thank you." She hung up disappointed, but she would try again tomorrow.

She spent the remainder of the day learning everything she could about Dr. Ansel's work and life in addition to more stomach cancer research. When she finally looked up from her work, it was 11:30 pm. She had skipped dinner entirely and felt her stomach protesting.

She went to her kitchen to fix up something but found the fridge empty and the pantry severely lacking in anything appetizing. She couldn't remember the last time she went grocery shopping. This research had completely consumed her. She decided to stop by a nearby diner that was open all night. Though she ate healthy whenever possible, she occasionally indulged in a hearty cheeseburger and fries, and this diner had one of the best burgers she had ever eaten.

After cleaning her plate and leaving a sizable tip to her favorite waitress, Maura left the diner and got back into her Mercedes. She started driving and by force of habit ended up at the hospice since she usually only visited the diner on her lunch breaks. She figured she might as well check up on things even though it was 15 minutes past midnight.

Elizabeth greeted her when she walked in and she headed to her office. She saw some new applications to look over and some other miscellaneous papers on her desk. She looked over a few but felt too tired to really process what they were saying. After only ten minutes, she decided to leave. As she passed the elevator, she thought about the patient she was so desperately trying to save yet hadn't seen in the last couple days.

Before she knew it, she was on the second floor, standing outside Jane's room. She listened for a moment but heard only the heart monitor. Cautiously opening the door, she saw the sleeping figure of the woman she was fighting for.

Jane was taking sleeping pills since the headaches and nausea kept her up most of the night, so she was out like a light by 10pm every night.

Maura entered the room and shut the door behind her. It was dark but the open curtains allowed her to navigate through the room. She quietly pulled a chair to the bed and stared at the brunette who looked so relaxed and serene.

"Jane…" the doctor whispered under her breath, "I know you are sleeping, but I want you to know that everything I'm doing is for you. I'm sorry I haven't been here or spent time with you. I want to, but I also want you to live so that we can spend years and years together. You think I don't care, but I do. I care so much that it hurts. I want to tell you this when you're awake, but I think I just needed to say it now, too." She caressed Jane's cheek tenderly before standing and leaving.

Jane awoke the next morning having dreamt of the honey blonde doctor. It was more real than any other dream, and as she looked around the room, she noticed the chair was much closer than it was when she had fallen asleep. If that was Maura, then she felt frustrated that the doctor couldn't even bother to wait for her to wake up. They needed to talk, yet she decides to creep in the middle of the night and watch her sleep. Jane was definitely upset and if Maura didn't come see her today, she was going to go find Maura.


	7. Jane pt 2

**A/N: I'm always so surprised that people from all around the world are reading this story. It is truly incredible, and I thank you all. Just a reminder that lyrics from the track title are in italics. Enjoy. **

* * *

Not too long after waking up, Nurse Gillman entered Jane's room to deliver her pain medications and check her vitals. Everything looked fine since she had yet to experience any severe symptoms and was mainly dealing with headaches, nausea, and occasional loss of appetite.

It was Friday, but Jane didn't really look forward to the weekends anymore since they weren't any different than weekdays. There were no restrictions on visiting hours, so her friends and family were free to come and go whenever, which she enjoyed. The food was always delicious thanks to the well trained kitchen staff that Maura hired, and there were always activities going on, though most of them were geared toward the older generation such as bingo, shuffleboard, and book readings. Jane spent most of her time hanging out with Patrick who was there from 10am until 2pm, which was when he had a break between classes in school. They would watch movies, play chess, walk around the garden, occasionally take part in the group activities where Jane would always be as competitive as ever, or they would just sit and talk.

After lunch that day, they headed to the third floor, which had a balcony that overlooked part of the city and comfy recliners to relax on.

"I love the Boston skyline. It is so beautiful, don't you think?" He asked while staring out into the distance.

"Yeah, this is my home. I was born and raised here; I guess, it's fitting that I die here as well."

"Do you wish that there was something you could do?" He turned to face her, unsure how she was going to take this.

"I've been thinking about it a lot, way more than I care to admit, and I still don't know. I mean, it would be great to live, of course, but I just don't want to get my hopes up. I'm going to tell you something but it's kinda a secret okay?"

He nodded, excited to learn more about Jane who was often hesitant to share things about herself.

"Well, Dr. Isles is working on something right now, a cure I guess. We used to be...together in college, and we are sort of together again, but its complicated. I've talked about this a lot with Dr. Cleason, but I am still working it out in my head. I want to be with Maura but its so difficult to talk with her."

"When my mom was sick, like when she first found out, none of my family really knew what to say. She seemed okay like she had already accepted it, but we were all reeling, especially my dad. It was hard for us to figure out how to talk with her without sounding like we were pitying her or talking down to her. Maybe Dr. Isles is going through the same thing. My mom's cancer was like an elephant in the room that nobody wanted to even approach, which made all our conversations seem forced and awkward. I don't know your situation, but maybe think about it like that."

Jane sat quietly, staring out at the city she loved. It was only about three weeks ago that she had found out her diagnosis, yet everything was different. Maura was back in her life, she was living somewhere new, she wasn't working, she had nothing really to look forward to. In fact, she was afraid of the future and perhaps Maura was as well. That could explain the need for a cure and the avoidance; she was afraid. They both were and that was costing them so much. Jane didn't approve of Maura's way of dealing with this fear, but none of this is easy.

"Thanks Patrick. You always give me a new perspective." She smiled at the young man. "I'm glad you are here."

"Not a problem, Jane. I like talking with you."

They sat out there for another hour or so before Jane felt too tired to sit anymore and went in for a quick nap.

* * *

Maura was at home. She decided to take the morning off in order to call Dr. Ansel from home, where she felt a bit more comfortable. She dialed the number and waited, fidgeting with her skirt as she sat. After the fourth ring, a voice answered.

"Dr. Ansel's office, how may I help you?"

"This is Dr. Isles. I called yesterday to speak with the doctor and was advised to call back today. Is she available to speak?"

"Oh, yes, Dr. Isles. The doctor is currently in, though she doesn't have much time. I will see if she can take your call, one moment please."

Maura was nervous. She had rehearsed what she was going to say, but now that she was in the moment, everything she rehearsed seemed wrong. This was Jane's life on the line, she had to be perfect.

"Okay, Dr. Ansel is available for a few minutes before her meeting, so I will connect you."

The seconds seemed to stretch on and on, as Maura's heart began to quicken its pace.

"Dr. Isles? This is Tricia Ansel, I heard you were interested in my clinical trial?" A kind, soft voice flowed through the line.

"Yes, I run my own hospice in Boston with the help of a wonderful staff including your old student, Ian Faulkner, and one of my patients has very advanced stomach cancer. She is very young, and her cancer has progressed too far to be treated with chemo or radiation. I read about your clinical trial and was very impressed with the results. I was wondering if there is any possible way to get a sample of the drug you are using?" She kept her 'doctor' voice on in order to sound more put together than she felt.

"Oh, I always did like Ian. He was one of my favorite students. I'm a little surprised to hear he is working at a hospice, but he always did like helping people. As for your request, doctor, I am sure you are aware of the wait list and how a clinical trial works. I do not just hand out the drug. All patients must be strictly monitored, meet specific requirements, and be constantly tested to see how they are responding to the drug or placebo, depending on which they receive. I am confused as to why you would even ask." Tricia sounded slightly annoyed, which only served to make Maura even more nervous.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Ansel. I would usually never ask this of any professional, but this patient...she is more than just a patient. She is…" Maura didn't even know what to call Jane. They certainly weren't a couple by any standard definition of such, but they weren't just a doctor and a patient. "She is the family that I never had. She is the greatest person I have ever met, and I let her go so many years ago. Now that she is back, I can't let myself do that again. I need to do this, I need to save her."

Her voice was shaking and the 'doctor' facade had cracked. It was liberating to finally speak these words but also terribly frightening.

There was a prolonged pause on the other end of the line.

"Dr. Isles….that was very beautiful and touching really. I wish there was something I could do, but you must know that by giving away my drug, it would ruin the entire clinical trial. It would ensure that nobody else ever gets to use it because the FDA would immediately shut it down. I understand that this patient is special, but there are thousands of patients like her who are just as deserving. Its not fair to deny this potential cure to all of them just for the sake of saving one."

"No. Jane needs this! She still has a full life ahead of her, she is only 39! She is a brilliant detective and a more amazing human being. She is kind and protective, brave and tender. She is everything rolled up into one humble, beautiful woman. You know what's not fair, cancer. Cancer is not fair, but I thought you might be." Now Maura was angry, she could see her resolve slipping away as well as any chance at convincing Dr. Ansel.

"Stomach cancer in someone so young is rare...but my trial is only for people over 50 years old who can come and live in California to be monitored. There is nothing I can do, it would violate all kinds of rules and restrictions. This Jane sounds incredible, so maybe you should just spend as much time with her as you can."

"I'm not giving up, doctor. Please, isn't there anything, anything at all? My family runs the Isles Foundation, which would be more than happy to donate to the Stanford Medical Program or the school in general. Or we could just not tell anyone...nobody would ever have to know that Jane exists!" Her voice rang with desperation.

Tricia sighed into the phone, "I can't agree to either of those as that would be highly unethical. I can see that you are not going to stop though, and your story has touched me in a way. I will see if I can get Jane on the wait list for the trial, but that is really all I can do. I will have to alter her age and location but her response to the drug would be interesting to observe. I can't promise she will even get in though because I am not going to bump anyone who has been waiting. There are over thirty people ahead of her and some of them have been waiting for months. That is all I can do, Dr. Isles. I need to get to my meeting, go spend some time with Jane, it sounds like you need it."

The call ended and Maura was unsure how she felt. She hadn't really expected Dr. Ansel to just hand over the drug at least she got Jane on the wait list, but that might not even work. She needed that drug as soon as possible for any chance of success. But she really should see Jane, it had been….four days!? since they had actually spoken to each other, or their fight to be more specific. She really was wasting their time together, but she rationalized that a lifetime would be much better than 25 weeks.

It was 1pm and Maura was starving so she made herself a small salad and contemplated whether to go into work or stay home all day. She felt exhausted because her nerves kept her up most of the night, but she had been neglecting many of her duties as medical director. She decided to go in after lunch and work in her office. Visiting Jane was still up in the air, they needed to talk but the fear of fighting was holding her back. She put those thoughts on hold and tried to focus on what needed to be done now.

The doctor arrived at work, greeted Elizabeth with a smile, and settled down in her office. Time zoomed by as she diligently went about filing paperwork, signing documents, and going over patient files. Jane stayed mostly dormant in her mind until she looked at the clock and saw that it was thirty minutes to 10pm, which is when the brunette typically went to sleep. Maura hastily shut down her computer, cleaned up her desk, and made the snap decision to head up to the second floor.

Jane was in bed reading a book that her ma brought her. It wasn't half bad, but her head was throbbing which made it hard to concentrate on the words. She wondered when Nurse Gillman was going to come in with her sleeping pills that generally knocked her right out. At that moment, the door opened up.

Jane reached over to the bedside table to put her book down, so she her back was to the door as she spoke, "Right on time, I was just wondering when you were coming. My head is killing me tonight; I could really use some of those little helpers." She chuckled at her joke as she turned but the laugh was cut short as she saw Maura standing in the door frame, looking unsure of herself.

"Jane...uh, maybe I should go and come back tomorrow. I'm sorry." Maura wanted to do this when they were both feeling okay, though she wasn't sure when that would be. She backed slowly out.

"Wait! I thought you were my nurse! She usually comes around now and I, yeah, thought you were her. If you want to talk now, we can, if you want to…"

"Umm…if you're sure, then okay." Maura came inside and sat down near the foot of Jane's bed. They looked each other over and smiled nervously. "I'm sorry that I haven't been here in so long. Well I was here yesterday but you were sleeping. It's just...you make me so nervous and I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing. I hate fighting with you, that is not what I want but somehow it always happens. I didn't want to stay away for almost this whole week, and then I did. I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. I'm sorry." She didn't feel like that was enough, she stared down to avoid eye contact.

"I don't like to fight either and I feel like that's always on me. I get so upset and I explode. I think I'm still just dealing with everything and taking it out on you, which you don't deserve either. I hate that you stayed away, I want to see you and be around you. I wish you would stop disappearing. I feel like you are just going to run again as I start to get worse, and I….I don't know if I can trust you. I wish I could, I really do, but you keep proving my point." She felt like she was rambling but the words just kept tumbling out.

Jane stared at the hazel eyes that refused to meet her own and saw the small teardrops run down the pale cheeks of the doctor.

"Maura, I love you and that is scary. I don't think you know how much I was hurting after you left me back in college. I've been talking about this with Dr. Cleason, and she has really shown me how much fear I'm still harboring. I'm scared that you will break me, I'm scared that you don't feel the same, I'm scared that you are using the excuse of curing me to hide."

"It's not an excuse! I really think I can cure you, Jane. I talked with Dr. Ansel today and got you put on the wait list for the clinical trial. That is not what I wanted but its a step, and I think with a little more convincing I could get you the drug itself. I do love you, which is why I'm doing this at all. If I didn't care, this would be so easy but its not. I know this is hard for you, though I really can't even imagine, but this is hard for me too!"

She finally looked up and they faced each other. Their emotions shown bare on each others faces.

"I get it, Maur. You feel like you have to save me, and I know that I would do the same for you if the situation was reversed. Try to think about what this is like for me though. I'm stuck in this place, surrounded by people that are nice and caring but they aren't you. I wish it was you spending the afternoon with me, or watching TV, or playing bingo. I wish I could kiss you goodnight every night and be greeted each morning with that beautiful smile of yours. What if this cure doesn't even work? Have you even considered that? Then what?"

Jane was trying to breathe like Betty suggested, she was trying to keep it under control, but things were escalating faster than she had expected. Maura was raising her voice and really pushing Jane. This conversation needed to happen, so Jane tried to relax but Maura was quickly spiraling.

The doctor almost jumped from the bed and turned away either to hide her tears or her anger. "I don't know! I don't know what will happen if it doesn't work or if I can't even get it! I can't lose you! Why can't you believe that? I love you so much that my brain won't even let me process what will happen if it doesn't work. It's too painful. I'm a doctor, just _let me do my job!_ This cure is something for me to hold onto, something to hope for, why is that so terrible?"

God, this woman was really pushing all of Jane's buttons. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out….nope not working. Screw it.

"**I'm** something to hold onto! I want you to hold onto me, dammit, not some fantasy drug that you don't even have! Wake up, Maura! I'm dying." She screamed up to the ceiling, "I'M DYING!"

The brunette turned and saw the doctor staring wide-eyed at her, "That shouldn't be surprising because its true, no matter how much you try to deny it. You know, I promised myself and Betty that I wasn't going to fight with you and already I fucked that up. I'm so stupid. I can't even hold a civil conversation with you! _You're crying now again and that only makes it worse_ " She let out a frustrated growl and buried her head under the blankets.

Maura was in tears seeing the broken woman hiding in bed. She had gone from fuming to regretful in two seconds and the doctor didn't know what to do. Jane was crying as well, beating herself up for the words she said. Maura could hear her gasps and whimpering and see the heavy intakes of breath from her chest. Then, it was quiet, eerily so, minus the heart monitor. Jane was still like a mannequin, and Maura slowly approached the bed again.

"Jane? _get your head out of the covers. Go back to screaming or cursing. Please, please calm down. Steady out, I'm terrified. _Jane? Please...talk to me." She stood right next to the bed, staring down, waiting. She glanced at Jane's heart monitor and saw that her blood pressure was running quite high. She shouldn't have egged her on like that, this was not healthy both physically and emotionally for her. Maura mentally kicked herself for letting it escalate like this, she should know better.

"Jane? Please, _let me take your temperature, you can throw the thermometer right back at me, if thats what you want to do, okay? _I just really need to check your vitals. Your blood pressure is high, so I need to see if you are running a fever, which would be really bad. This is my fault."

The covers of the bed slowly peeled down, revealing the red, puffy brown eyes and mess of curls.

"I won't throw anything at you, Maura, jeez. I'm not that cruel. Just take my temp and then maybe you should go. Things keep getting worse between us and it takes two to tango, this is not on you."

Maura put the thermometer in Jane's mouth, "I'm not sure what a South American dance has to do with this conversation, but I don't want to go. This needs to be sorted out now that's the only way we can move forward. We are stuck in a wheel right now, going round and around but not getting anywhere. Please, we can't do this again. It is dangerous for you and for our relationship itself. Please…"

The door opened and Nurse Gillman entered and took in the scene before her. Both women looked like disheveled messes with their tear streaked faces, bloodshot eyes and flushed complexions.

"Hi..Dr. Isles, um is something wrong? Jane, are you alright? I heard yelling and crying and...what's going on?"

The two females looked at each other and then at the nurse in unison. They weren't about to explain everything, but something needed to be said, as the small woman standing in the door looked completely shocked.

"Oh, Nurse Gillman, I was just checking in on Ms. Rizzoli and noticed her blood pressure was high, so I am taking her temperature to check for a fever, and it's a little elevated but nothing to worry about." Maura tried to sound okay.

Diane furrowed her brow and looked skeptically at them, "And the screaming and crying…?"

Maura turned bright red and looked to Jane for some much needed assistance.

"Well, that was my fault. See, I was watching the Red Sox game and they made a huge error so I was really upset. Then I turned the channel because I was so frustrated and ended up watching...The Notebook which is just really sad, you know? Maura..or..errr… Dr. Isles heard me and came in to see what was wrong."

The nurse was obviously not buying any of this, but she was not about to get involved in the medical director's business. "Right….well I have your sleeping pills here and I was going to check your vitals but it looks like Dr. Isles has that under control. Here you go, Jane, and here is some water. I'll be back in the morning." She handed over two pills and a small glass of water before exiting the room, glad to be out of that awkward situation.

After the door closed and they were alone again, Maura sat down in the chair by the bed. "Jane, don't take those yet. They put you right to sleep, but I don't think we are done talking. I am much calmer now, really, I'm ready."

Jane looked at the pills in her hand and then back up at the hazel eyes of the doctor before popping the capsules into her mouth and swallowing with some water.

"I'm sorry. My head is about to explode from pain and from all the thoughts kicking in my brain. This wasn't how I expected things to go, in fact this was what I feared. If this is how its going to be now, maybe you shouldn't come back. Maybe its not you that I love, maybe its just my idea of you. I have built you up in my mind for twenty years, but I really don't even know who you are anymore. That doesn't mean I don't want to, but I think we both need more time." Her words started to slur and her eyes began to droop. "This isn't gonna be easy, but I hope...that...we..can.."

She was out like a light and Maura let out a deep sob and wrapped her arms around herself for support. She sat crying for several minutes as the woman next to her didn't move a muscle. Eventually, she stood and lowered the bed into a horizontal position and then tucked in the brunette. She wiped her own tears so they wouldn't fall onto the sleeping body. She knew she should leave, but she sat back down next to the bed and held Jane's limp hand in her own.

"Jane, _can't you see what you are doing? Can't you see I'm scared to speak, and I hate my voice cause it only makes you angry. _It seems like _I only talk when you are sleeping. That's when I tell you everything _that I'm afraid to say, and _imagine that somehow you're going to hear me_. I'll be here when you wake up to kiss you good morning. No matter what you say or what I say or how you try to break me, I know that I love you and this isn't going away. This is not just a desperate attempt to relive the past or fulfill some fantasy. I'm in this, though my actions might say otherwise, my heart belongs to you. Please believe that."

She stood and placed a gentle kiss on Jane's cheek before walking over the couch and collapsing on the cushions. Within minutes, she was fast asleep.


End file.
